第二天去court yard吃早餐碰到他，四目交汇时的怦然心动让我明白昨晚改变了我们, 他不再是IM那头的ICON，而是那个让我趴在肩上鼻涕眼泪哭湿了衬衣的男人。故意找一个离他很远的地方坐下，和同事们边吃边聊有点心不在焉。电话开始震动, 下面是从他博客上拷下来的一段text exchange:

Him: ‘Hope you slept well, I didn’t. It was bittersweet for me, on one hand, I am glad you opened up to me, yet it felt like it could be one of the last times I'd be able to feel you this close to me’. (看来他伤春悲秋了一夜)

Me: ‘Please don’t think too much before the fish is cut and baked. Worst case we could still plan a date 3 years later, how about on the top floor of the Eiffel tower?'

Him: ‘I am all up for it. In fact I’m more hopeful and confident now than ever.’

Me: ‘Why?’

Him: ‘Until last night, you were a mystery. Private. I could sense depth and warmth, but not permission. I couldn’t read you. I knew I am attracted to you but couldn’t tell if the feeling is mutual. Last night, wow, I found exactly what I am looking for… the passion/connection between us were so strong and undeniable. There were a couple of deal-sealing moments that taught me I would be able to survive you going to China - as I knew I couldn't find similar quality, so why try? BTW, the vulnerability completed you. Don’t hide it, just be yourself’

那天会开到一半，学校打来电话说儿子发烧,急忙收拾东西往回赶.见到他时脸蛋烧得通红。回家测体温吃药喝水吃冰棍儿，他躺沙发我坐旁边陪他聊天。我问他春假想去哪里，他说埃及因为历史课刚学到古埃及的金字塔木乃伊，可是不想‘waste your mortgage money.’看来他还是担心我一个人负担偌大一房子。我说别操心mortgage,当然每个月花钱要有budget,因为妈妈的收入是固定的。假如春假去埃及的话你的新电脑就得等到圣诞节了，他说那还是买电脑吧。Out of blue 他问我‘妈妈你会不会有男朋友？’，我吓一跳，难不成我脸上写东西了？我心虚着说就像你有小朋友有play-date一样，妈妈早晚也会有男朋友也会去大人的date，他说我不要，你看爸爸有了女朋友就回中国了，你要有男朋友了会不会也不要我？我说当然不会，你永远都是最重要的；他又问我会不会生再生 baby, 我说妈妈这辈子有你这样的儿子很满足，不想再生了；他接着问我会不会交白人男朋友，我说这个重要吗？他说当然，如果你和一个白人结婚那我们家的family tree岂不是乱套了？我语塞，只能敷衍他说‘Happiness is more important for any family, while the family tree is only an artifact’，好在药物在起作用他很快就睡过去了。

看着额头上还敷着毛巾的儿子，想着昨晚的种种，觉得那一切好像梦一般遥远而不真实。孩子很无助，经历这么多的变化，他有fear,怕被抛弃，所以他不希望现有的格局被打乱；他不想面对未知，所以拿出family tree作武器来捍卫他的领地。这段谈话一直挥之不去，我就这样小心翼翼地把孩子的感受捧在手心，惶恐着不敢迈出这一步，直到一年后的今天我还在寻找最佳时机和方式把‘他’介绍给儿子（希望有经验的读者给点建议我该怎么做，他今年12岁， 先谢了）。‘他’倒是非常理解，‘The poor kid went through a lot, let’s take our time, no need to rush. I want to do it right because it’s part of doing it right with you’.

儿子还没好我接着也病了，躺了两天感觉好点可是声音没了。从中国回来后还没回公司，事情堆积急需处理，只好拖着病体去上班。说不出话，开会得在IM conference上打出要说的话投影到屏幕上，十分搞笑。中午他坐shuttle从另个campus过来，让我去会议室等他。他走进来坐到对面，拿出一便当盒推过来，说看看合你胃口吗？打开一看是Matzo ball chicken noodle soup,他亲手做的耶。我本来就是个汤罐子，又好几天没吃上人饭，我呼拉拉地把硕大一碗汤风卷残云掉。那个场景好温暖，让我想起高考住校时爸爸给我送饭，也是这样坐到我对面满足地看我吃完再走。我吃完了他说要赶去开一点钟的会，他走了我才意识到他还没吃午饭，text问他自己吃什么，他说对付个 sandwich就好了，又说那碗汤本来是两人份的，没想到你个子小小的饭量倒挺大。围观大哥说国女会‘被西方先进又精湛的宠人技术震晕’真是十分精辟。后来才知道这只是他宠人战术的开始，有了这个开始他便一发不可收拾。

几天后的一个下午打电话问我会开到几点，我说4点半，他又问我几点接孩子，我说6点。他说那你5点到公司后面的hiking trail等我，语气有点不容商量。见到他时我吓了一跳，他看起来非常disturbed，眼里布满血丝，好像几天没睡觉。我问他怎么啦？他说好消息昨天从公司高层打听到上海公司的GM人选是你，恭喜啊。。。我说有你这样哭丧着脸恭喜人家的吗？ 一看就没有诚意。他叹了口气说：

‘Honestly, I've never had such a massive set of conflicting emotions in my life . I guess dealing with transition from friend to something more than friend... eh... didn't happen so gracefully. But I wanted to let you know that I feel strong enough to give this all my energy, you won’t get less effort and attention from me no matter what you decide. I commit to support you the best way I know how... If this is love... IF... then I'm willing to take the right risks if you tell me the decision is China - so I'm gearing up for that. But make no mistake - I'm committed to see this through with you to an ANSWER’.

我说你先别激动呀，这不还没做决定吗？他说记得那两张写着pro and cons的napkins吗？那其实是你最instinctive的决定。你平常不是老抱怨亚裔女性在美国职场有玻璃天花板吗？这个工作机会不是正好让你bust through to reach to the next level? ‘If I were you, I would have taken it too. So I thought about it last night and came up with a plan if your choice is China. First, I’ll ask for the job that no one on the team wants because it requires traveling to India once a month. I can take a detour so I get to see you at least once a month; Second, I’ll send you a movie or book every week so we have topics to discuss and communicate; Third, I’ll delay my startup adventure for 3 years so I have time to manage the long distance relationship,; Last but not least, I need to get you a top of the line webcam, so at least I can see your eyes as we type.’ 说到这里我分明看到他的眼角有两滴晶莹的泪。那一刻我知道我真的爱上他了…


最后有点像简爱的最后一个镜头，在绿色小路的尽头，我们坐在长椅上，不同的是简爱请求罗切斯特让她留下，而我跟他说‘我决定留下了’。他说‘Don’t rush to the decision yet. Remember you do not get away from me simply by moving half way around the world. You need to start thinking about Mars or something like that.’ He chuckled.